“I felt so violated”: A Panda’s Tail

Today on Fabulous Furry Friday, we bring you something that’s just a little bit different!

So, somewhere here and there around the interweb, I got into a conversation and someone (who’s initial’s may or may not be A.L.W.) and she mentioned the infamous panda Gu Gu, who..um…bit someone.  This story was originally brought to my attention when I first started down the sordid path to panda satire. (This person’s initials just MIGHT be K.G.)

Anyway, of course I had to do several cartoons on the subject.  Some time later, I wrote a story about the incident’s aftermath :

And here it is:

Panda Attacks Man in Chinese Zoo

WHAM! The gavel thundered on the desk like the sound of a cage door banging shut. “Guilty as charged!” cried the judge.

I was framed!

I was framed!

But let me tell my story from the beginning, and then you can decide for yourself: innocent victim or desperate criminal. My name is Yang-Yang, and I live at the Qixing Park Zoo in China.  We pandas have a huge weight on our shoulders, and it is this: we’re cute. We’re really, really cute.  People think it’s easy being cute, but I am here to tell you that it is no teddy bear’s picnic.

The day started out like any other.  I got up, had some bamboo, and got ready to go out and meet my public.  I stretched and rolled over then pretended to grab my toe, you know, page 243 of the “being really cute handbook.”  Out of the corner of my eye I could see this guy.  He was giving me “the look”.  We pandas see it all the time, because, well, not to press the point but…  They get a misty-eyed, goofy look on their faces, and then I know trouble is on the way.  So I’m going into my routine, and the next thing I know, he’s climbing over the fence and coming towards me. He still has the look on his face, and his arms are stretched wide open. And then he HUGGED ME!  I couldn’t believe it.

We hadn’t even been properly introduced.

Well, there really was only one thing I could do. I growled, “I’m sorry sir, but I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced.”  But he just kept hugging me.    I have an excellent sense of smell so it was impossible not to notice that he had some candy in his pocket.  Breakfast seemed like it was hours ago and I was hungry.  I thought, “Gee, since we’re such good friends now, I’m sure he won’t mind if I help myself.”   I must have miscalculated because instead of getting the candy bar, I took a big bite out of his leg.  You should have heard the screaming and yelling then!

 

panda bites man who hugged him

“I felt so violated!”

Nobody would have been the wiser, and they probably wouldn’t have made such a big deal about it, except that all these people pulled out their cameras and cell phones and started taking pictures and sending them to all their friends.  I think it was even on you-tube.  After that, it was hard to deny what happened.  People were running around, calling for the police; WAY overreacting.  They pulled the guy out of my yard and made me go back into a locked den.

I never got my lunch.

I thought that that would be the end of it, until a few days later when I got a summons to appear in court.  I was sure it would be an open and shut case. After all, he was trespassing in my territory.  But for all the talk about the right to arm bears, it turns out that pandas have no civil rights.  Who knew?   There were hours of interviews with my lawyers and with his lawyers and I missed several meals.  I thought about biting a lawyer or two, but I decided I was already in enough trouble.

Soon enough, the day for my court appearance arrived.  TV news teams came from all over the world.  This was the big story of the year- the trial of the century!  After all, how many times does a panda stand accused for the crime of being cute?  Maybe I can get a book deal out of this.

The guy’s whole defense was that since pandas are so cute, that he was unable to control his urge to hug me, so it was my fault!   Finally, it was my turn to take the witness stand.  I rolled on my back and did a few paw nibbles so the judge could see how harmless and adorable I am. He glared at me over the top of his glasses, banged his gavel and said, “The witness will SIT in the chair or face a contempt citation!”  I sat up, wiggled my ears, and took the oath to tell the truth, the whole truth and mostly nothing but the truth.

“What do you have to say for yourself?” the judge asked sternly.

“Just because I’m cute, it doesn’t mean I’m easy,” I replied.  The judge banged his gavel, hard, and I prepared, again, for a life behind bars.

 

The End

8 thoughts on ““I felt so violated”: A Panda’s Tail

  1. BJBoyd

    Hah! I just found the original story on this, and it seems the hugger was a bit tipsy…not only that, the story said he bit Gu Gu back! I think Gu Gu would have a case and should sue for injuries…

    I love your humor!

    Reply
    1. Panda in Chief Post author

      Yes! I totally thing Gu Gu has grounds for a lawsuit! The story was brought to my attention by a friend who wanted me to know that “pandas are not just all cute and fluffy and adorable.” To that I say: We be the bears!

      Reply
  2. Anna

    Silly humans… those big fluffy cheeks aren’t fluff and chub, they’re massive, well-developed jaw muscles! I’d love to hug a panda, but after Queen Bai made sure I saw her make quick work of a bamboo stalk with those jaws and teeth… no thanks!

    Reply
    1. Panda in Chief Post author

      I think the judge is not allowed to accept cuppycakes, but…ahem…
      It was a total frame up in my opinion. Entrapment! Is it OUR fault we are so cute?

      Reply

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